Gray-Scale
by KitKatt0430
Summary: Soulmate AU(Hartmon) - Hartley was certain he'd never find his soulmate until the day Cisco Ramon walked into the STAR Lab's cortex and the world flooded with color. Now Hartley just wishes he was the kind of person Cisco deserved...


Teaser - Hartley was certain he'd never see in color, but instead be stuck with gray-scale for all his life. His parents raised him to believe that 'gay' soulmates were faking it and, even though he knew that they were prejudiced and wrong and horrible for teaching him to believe it, Hartley still couldn't help but feel that if he had a soulmate out there it was someone with whom he'd be terribly incompatible with and who would be far better off without him. Then, one day, Hartley looks up into the most gorgeous brown eyes he's ever seen and suddenly… the world is beautiful. He just wishes he deserved it.

Notes - Soulmate AU (Hartley/Cisco)  
\- **Content Warnings** : Queerphobia (internalized and otherwise), references to past rape/sexual assault (nothing explicit, but it's made pretty clear that Hartley's ex was not a nice person), gaslighting, depression  
\- Original!Harrison Wells - as this is AU, Thawne didn't murder Tess and Harrison and so they're alive and well and running STAR Labs  
\- Cross-posted on AO3

 _ **Gray-Scale**_

"Hartley, I want you to meet Cisco Ramon, the new mechanical engineer I've been telling you about," Dr. Wells said, gesturing to a long-haired young man in a ridiculously unprofessional 'Keep Calm and Han Shot First' t-shirt.

Opening his mouth to say something derisive about Cisco's attire or the likelihood that Mr. Ramon had the fortitude to actually keep to the STAR Labs work schedule, Hartley froze when his eyes met Cisco Ramon's… and the world itself seemed to almost shift on its axis.

All around them, the previously gray world became saturated with color. Hartley felt himself grow hot for a moment and then very, very cold; his stomach roiled uncomfortably in response. His whole focus narrowed down to Cisco's face – Cisco's eyes – and Hartley's breathing picked up, panicky and quick.

Fuck… he was broken and cruel and dirty and Cisco Ramon deserved so much better for his soul mate. Hartley didn't need to know anything about Cisco to be sure of that.

"Hartley?" Wells asked, but his voice sounded horribly far away. He muttered something under his breath, but Hartley couldn't make out the words. It was probably Latin. Wells always muttered in Latin when he was upset about something. Hartley hadn't told him yet, but he was learning Latin specifically to understand what the older man was saying.

How better to learn new and interesting insults, after all?

Light-headed now, Hartley wondered if he was the one who'd just upset Wells. Of course he was… he was standing here like an idiot…

"Cisco, get the door to my office, will you?" Wells asked, putting a hand on Hartley's shoulder and steering him into the room and then over to the couch. "Hartley, I need you to sit down now, okay?"

"Is he okay? I mean… shit, I didn't do something wrong, did I?" Cisco fretted as soon as the door shut behind him. "We looked at each other and I can see in color now, but is he..."

"He can too, but sometimes..." Wells paused. "You know what, sit down beside him, take his hand, and just stroke his palm for now, okay?" He waited for Cisco to obey and Hartley felt oddly calmed, breathing a little more easily at the touch. "Hartley?" Wells kneeled down in front of the two and said, quietly, "Hartley, you need to concentrate on your breathing right now, okay? You're hyperventilating and you'll pass out if this keeps up. So take slow, deep breaths. In… out… in… out… that's it."

Slowly, Hartley's breathing began to even out and he slumped, wrapping his arms around himself and clutching his sleeves with shaking hands, feeling the sting of humiliation sinking in. Who knew what Cisco thought of him now. What he must feel like, having a soul mate's whose reaction to meeting him was a panic attack?

Hartley felt awful. He was awful. Cisco deserved better.

His eyes stung and he looked down. "I-I'm sorry..." Hartley started to say, but his voice choked off.

One of Cisco's hands landed tentatively on Hartley's shoulder and he rubbed softly. "You haven't done anything wrong," the engineer assured him.

"Do you want me to get Tess or Caitlin?" Wells asked Hartley, sounding worried.

He couldn't look up, so Hartley shook his head negatively. "I'm okay, really." He tried not to look around, but all the color was too overwhelming. He didn't deserve anything so beautiful. He couldn't look at Cisco for the same reason.

"You know… I've seen people react like that to finding their soul mate a few times before. Usually… usually its a sign of past abuse."

Hartley flinched at Wells' pronouncement. Cisco's grip on Hartley's right hand tightened for a moment.

Wells let out a huff of breath and, lightly, touched Hartley's knee. Then he was standing up. "Cisco, I'm going to bring your laptop in here so you can get started on setting up your work accounts." Cisco must have nodded because Hartley could hear the swish of his hair. "Hartley, Cisco's right. You haven't done anything wrong and you have no reason to feel ashamed."

The words were kindly said and well meant, but they didn't help. Hartley had to resist the urge to curl in on himself further, his breathing still shaky.

"I keep my office fairly devoid of color, so I'm hoping you won't find it too overwhelming. Just… it's going to be okay. I'll be back in a few minutes." Wells left the room, the soft whoosh of the door opening and shutting plunging the room into an awkward silence.

"I'm sorry," Hartley finally said. "I can't imagine this is how anyone wants to meet..." he couldn't finish.

"Then how about we try again?" Cisco asked. "Hi. I'm Cisco Ramon." His voice was kind and warm and Hartley couldn't help but look up to meet his lovely eyes again.

Swallowing nervously and wondering exactly which word matched the color of Cisco's eyes, Hartley replied, "hi Cisco. I'm Hartley Rathaway." Hartley leaned into Cisco slightly, the warmth of Cisco's touch simultaneously calming and intoxicating.

"It's very nice to meet you, Hartley," Cisco told him, all sincerity.

Hartley wondered if he'd still feel that way when he knew just how broken his soul mate really was.

* * *

 _"Mommy, mommy! Nicky found his soul mate today!" Hartley exclaimed, rushing into his mother's room as soon as he heard she was home._

 _"That's wonderful, sweetheart. But, please, indoor voice Hartley. What's her name?" Rachel smiled thinly at her son, clutching a glass in one hand._

 _Hartley frowned slightly. "His name is Jack."_

 _"Oh. His… soul mate is another boy?" She sounded dismissive. "A platonic soul mate, then."_

 _"Platonic," Hartley repeated, sounding the word out uncertainly. "What does that mean?"_

 _"Platonic means… non-romantic. You see, sweetheart, when the soul mate bond forms between a man and a woman, it's always romantic. The ideal love. When it forms between two people of the same sex then it's platonic, the… the perfect friend. Sometimes you'll hear about people claiming soul mate bonds between more than two people, or someone who claims they can see color without a soul mate, but those are just stories and nonsense."_

 _"Is it better?" Hartley asked, "to have a… romantic bond like yours and father's?"_

 _"Of course its better. Some people think that a platonic bond only forms if a person's romantic soul mate is already dead; the platonic bond is a lesser one, meant to fill only part of the void one's true, romantic soul mate should have filled. Poor Nicky. I do wonder what happened to the girl he should have bonded to."_

* * *

Cisco's laptop was sitting on the table just outside Harry's office, but he headed out into the hallway, stalking down to where Tess' lab was. He walked in, grateful she was alone, and called her name.

"What's wrong?" she asked, noting his tense tone. "Hartley didn't say something unfortunate to Cisco, did he? Sometimes I'm not sure he thinks before he speaks."

"Hartley and Cisco are soul mates, which should have been a wonderful first meeting for them," Harry corrected, hands clenching into fists which he had to concentrate on to relax so that his nails wouldn't cut into his palms. "Hartley had a panic attack."

"He..." the significance sank in and Tess' eyes widened. "Shit. Did you get him to calm down or is he with Caitlin?"

"I moved him, and Cisco, into my office, left them sitting on my couch. Hartley calmed down fairly quickly once I got him to concentrate on his breathing and Cisco held his hand to keep him grounded."

Tess walked over, wrapping her arms around her husband's shoulders in a loose hug. "If I ever meet Hartley's parents, I'm going to hit them. I would've anyway just for them disowning him, but this..."

"I want to kill them," Harry muttered, burying his face against Tess' hair and thinking of their daughter, Jesse, and wondering what sort of horrible parents tormented their child so much that meeting one's soul mate became a traumatic experience. "I need to go back," he told her, holding on to his wife. "I told Cisco I'd bring him his laptop, but I left it sitting in the cortex."

"Give them a little more time alone," Tess told him. "Maybe calm down some more so you don't alarm Hartley when you go back in. Now I feel awful, thinking Hartley would've upset Cisco..."

"Oh, he probably would have if they weren't soul mates," Harry told her. He had no illusions about his protege's social skills, or lack thereof. "Cisco's so much more casual than Hartley approves of in a work environment. I'd hoped they'd be good influences on each other, assuming they could work past the initial dislike. Hartley could use the character growth and Cisco seems like the sort to thrive under pressure."

"I should have realized you had a devious plan."

"It's backfired." Harry sighed.

"They're soul mates. Its for the best that they met. If anyone can help Hartley heal, it'll be Cisco." Tess kissed her husband's cheek and then pulled away. "Now, go take Cisco his laptop and don't push Hartley for information no matter how much you want to." The unspoken warning being that he could easily make things worse with misplaced good intentions.

"Right. No pushing."

* * *

 _The first time Hartley caught Nick and Jack kissing, he had no idea what to do or say or think… because weren't they supposed to be platonic?_

 _Hartley didn't dare tell his parents what he'd seen. They wouldn't understand. Rachel and Osgood had made it very clear what their beliefs were concerning people who 'perverted' a soul mate bond and two boys kissing when their bond was meant to be platonic? That would definitely be a perversion in their eyes._

 _But the worst part was… Hartley had been a little intrigued. A lot intrigued, actually._

 _Every time Hartley met a new girl, he always felt a little relieved at not seeing a world of color after meeting her eyes. But sometimes, when he met a new boy, his breath would quicken in anticipation and he'd struggle not to feel disappointed when their eyes met and… nothing._

 _Being gay was a sin. Even just thinking such thoughts were as sinful as acting on them in deed. Hartley knew that. He'd tried to tell himself that all he wanted was a platonic soul mate because a romantic one seemed too… too…_

 _No, Hartley wanted a romantic soul bond and he didn't want it with a girl._

 _Seeing Nick and Jack kissing just fueled that desire all the more, growing more certain every time he walked in on them that what they had he desperately wanted for himself._

 _But… that was a terrible, sinful thing to want. His parents would send him to therapy if they knew._

 _They'd made him stop watching Star Trek after the Deep Space Nine episode with the lesbian kiss and they'd certainly forbid him from being friends with Nick and Jack if they knew about the way those two were fooling around. They'd blame Nick and Jack for Hartley's inclinations, putting sinful thoughts in Hartley's head, making him want something so forbidden… but Hartley knew he'd had these desires already. Nick and Jack just made him realize the truth of them._

 _Hartley went to reconciliation and he should have confessed to their priest… but Hartley only told him about a few lies and jealous moments, keeping his mouth shut about the truly sinful thoughts that plagued him, unwilling to let them go._

* * *

Cisco wasn't usually good at keeping a tight lid on his emotions, but for Hartley's sake Cisco buried the rage that coiled in his chest the second Dr. Wells said the word 'abuse'.

Instead of worrying over that, Cisco lead the way in getting to know each other and he smiled to see the hints of the sarcastic man with a cutting wit that got buried the moment the panic attack set in. They quickly realized they had the same taste in science fiction and fantasy, though very different musical tastes, what with Cisco's love of pop and Hartley's tendencies towards classic and rock. Hartley had very definite opinions about Taylor Swift and whether or not she actually has more than three songs or just lots of variations on three songs with differing lyrics. (Cisco pretends to be affronted because he has all Swift's albums but, yeah, the songs she put on the radio did sound a tad similar sometimes, not that he'd admit that out loud.)

Hartley also had strong opinions on what passed for appropriate work attire and Cisco couldn't resist needling him a little about that, cheerfully describing his wardrobe as 'mostly t-shirts'. But Hartley did, at least, completely agree with the sentiment of the Han Shot First meme. It was horribly stupid to try and re-write Han's initial characterization by making him shoot second.

Their chatting was stilted at first, coming to a halt entirely after Wells dropped off the laptop and Hartley seemed to realize that he was supposed to be in his lab supervising the testing of some new machine capable of replicating the effects of an x-ray machine without the, well, x-rays. Totally radiation free, in fact, and based on similar technology to sonograms; apparently Hartley was a genius when it came to new and innovative uses for sound and vibrations with several patents pending.

"No, I wanted to put that off until you're not missing half your team to the flu," Wells told him. "So I was going to have you mentor Cisco regardless. My office is yours for the day, though I hope you'll venture out to show Cisco around after lunch. I'm sure Ronnie and Caitlin will be looking for you by then anyway." He retrieved his own laptop from his desk, and his cell phone, but paused at the door before heading back out into the bright cortex. "Hartley, if you ever want to talk about what… set you off earlier, my door is always open. Tess' too."

Hartley hadn't been able to acknowledge that with words, managing a terse nod before averting his eyes and fidgeting uncomfortably.

Eventually, though, they got to chatting fairly naturally. Cisco was aghast to learn that Hartley had never seen any of Stargate and Hartley was equally appalled to hear that Cisco had never read His Dark Materials. They did, in fact, venture outside of Dr. Wells' office at lunch, while various passwords were propagating and all his permissions were being set. They ended up going to Big Belly Burger because it was walking distance and neither were sure they ought to be driving out of fear of being distracted by how different everything looked now.

Cisco certainly kept getting distracted by Hartley's eyes. At first he'd thought they were gray, which was actually kind of comforting, to think that at least some things were still the colors he'd always thought they were, but then… he started to notice that there were actually blues weaved in with the gray. That in some lights Hartley's eyes seemed to be a light blue and gray combination, while in bright sunlight his eyes turned a darker, indescribable shade of blue that Cisco wanted to lose himself in.

It seemed that Hartley was having a similar problem. At the diner, he'd asked if Cisco's eyes were brown and then blushed when Cisco replied that his aunt had always told him so.

Somewhere just under a third of the population found their soul mates. Most people went their whole lives never seeing in color. Cisco's Aunt Elena was the only person in Cisco's family that he knew of, not counting himself now, that had found hers. His parents didn't like talking about it because Elena actually had two platonic bonds with a romantically linked couple – Amelia and Fernand – and didn't really approve of what they assumed was some sort of elicit three-some. They didn't cut Elena out, though, just gave her disapproving looks and tried to pass their passive-aggressive prejudices on to Cisco and Dante. Elena, however, had talked about her relationships to Cisco, once, explaining how she was aromantic and asexual. How she'd never expected to have a soul-bond with anyone because of her orientations, never mind two soul mates. She'd looked Fernand in the eyes one day and saw color… but she hadn't realized anything was missing until she saw Amelia and realized she'd been missing the differences between green and red all this time.

Though, honestly, Cisco wouldn't have cared if the three were all romantically bound to one another the way his parents seemed to think. It wasn't anyone's business but their own. Still, he'd been very grateful that Elena had been willing to talk to him about soul-bonds at all. He'd been terribly curious about what all the hype was for. The way Elena described meeting Fernand and Amelia, though… he knew she was being literal about the colors, but it sounded metaphorical at the same time.

Cisco had thought that what Elena had sounded beautiful and wonderful and had wished that one day he could find something like that for himself. He'd never really expected to find it for himself. Only about one in three people ever found their soul mate, after all.

There were perks to the soul-bond that no one had ever really mentioned before, though. Like being able to sense when Hartley was feeling over-whelmed so that he could reach out to link their hands, threading their fingers together and reveling in the warmth. At first, Cisco had thought he was just reading Hartley's very visible discomfort and reacting to it but, as the day went on, Hartley recovered his defenses and it became less and less obvious, at least visually, what Hartley's emotions were. Yet every time Cisco took Hartley's hand in his own, there'd be a grateful smile. There was something different about the way it felt to touch Hartley too. Cisco had initially put it down to how attracted he felt to Hartley – Hartley was absolutely gorgeous and the only reason Cisco hadn't kissed him yet was the instinctive knowledge that doing so right now would probably re-trigger Hartley's panic attack from earlier – but he was starting to realize it was a lot more than that. Like… even in the dark, he'd recognize Hartley by touch alone.

Of course, thinking about touching Hartley in the dark led to Cisco wondering what it would be like to have sex with Hartley and then he had to think very unsexy thoughts while fighting down the instinct to blush.

In the afternoon, Hartley introduced Cisco to Caitlin and Ronnie, who were awesome and hilariously embarrassed when Cisco and Hartley had first walked in only to find the couple making out. Hartley's put-upon reaction made it pretty clear that this was a common occurrence with these two, much to Cisco's amusement.

When the work day finally ended, Cisco hated being parted from Hartley. But he knew they needed to take things slow. So he went home with Hartley's number in his cell phone contacts list and plots how to ask out Hartley for a dinner date on Saturday, maybe with the excuse of introducing Hartley to the Stargate series and possibly borrowing The Golden Compass, since Hartley made His Dark Materials sound so interesting.

* * *

 _Hartley had intended to wait until after he was done with college and financially independent before telling his parents he was gay. They'd already reacted exactly as he'd predicted to Nick and Jack's coming out – Hartley was now banned from being their friend, though in practice all that meant was that Hartley just didn't talk about his friends at home anymore – and they'd ranted about how terrible it was Nick's parents were actually supporting their son's immoral behavior._

 _If Nick were a Rathaway, Rachel and Osgood would have sent him to conversion therapy over the summer. For his own good, of course. After all, it was Nick's soul at stake._

 _So Hartley knew exactly what his parents thought about people who were gay. He knew what they'd expect him to do if he ever outed himself to them – though he knew perfectly well it was their social standing and not his soul that would really be the source of their worry. He would never, ever agree to conversion therapy, though. Those places had terrible reputations for a reason and Hartley was finally accepting that being gay wasn't the terrible, sinful thing he'd been raised to fear. He wasn't going to give up the freeing feeling of self-acceptance for anyone. Not even his parents. He just… wasn't ready to give up their love or monetary support yet either._

 _But then came Earl. Beautiful Earl whose kisses made Hartley's knees weak and who swore he loved Hartley as much as any soul-bonded couple loved one another. He wore down on Hartley's resolve not to out himself to his parents. He played on Hartley's guilt at not telling them, assuring him that once they realized their own son was gay then certainly they'd change their minds. A parent's love was supposed to be unconditional after all. Hartley knew that wasn't true; knew the all too real horror stories of family abandoning loved ones for their orientations weren't exaggerated in the least. But he still let Earl twist him up and turn him around. After all, if Hartley really loved Earl, then he shouldn't be okay with hiding in the closet anymore._

 _Hartley knew what gaslighting meant, but it never occurred to him to apply that to Earl's expert manipulation of his feelings._

 _Instead, Hartley ignored his own instincts and told his parents. The disownment was instantaneous._

 _Earl, of course, was generous enough to let Hartley move in with him in exchange for taking care of all the chores around the apartment. They had sex that Hartley wasn't always sure he really wanted, but of course Earl had this way of making Hartley feel like he had to say yes. Until one night when Earl was a little drunk and he hit Hartley for saying no._

 _"You're such a teasing slut," Earl had snapped, after his fist hit Hartley's face. "You always say yes in the end. You're as needy as I am. But you can't just fucking admit it, can you? Still trying to be the good little Catholic boy. Maybe you think you can go crawling back to your parents, tell them you'll pray the gay away? They'll never take you back. I'm the only one who'll ever love you now. So stop pissing me off. Do you want to be alone forever?"_

 _That was when everything finally clicked in Hartley's head. He was in an abusive relationship._

 _He'd always thought of abuse as something that happened to someone else, never connecting it to his parents' unrelenting prejudices that left him growing up thinking he was a sinful freak for being gay or to the way Earl made him doubt his decisions and reality until he was agreeing to things he didn't want in order to make Earl happy._

 _It made him feel sick inside that it still took him months to leave, despite knowing that the way Earl treated him was abusive and wrong, though at least Earl never hit him again. He hated himself for taking so long to accept that when Earl said he loved Hartley he was lying. All Hartley ever was to him was easy sex._

 _Hartley was dirty and broken and he hoped he never found his soul mate. Because his soul mate, assuming he even had one, deserved so much better than to be saddled with someone as screwed up as Hartley Rathaway._

* * *

"Mother… father. I don't know if you'll actually listen to this message or just delete it when you hear my voice, but… I found my soul mate today. He's my newest co-worker at STAR Labs. I just… I just wanted you to know I'm not alone anymore."

BEEEEEEEEEEP

* * *

 _Hartley had a full scholarship that he kept up with perfect grades all while getting a double major in physics and mechanical engineering. Even with the disownment, leaving Earl, and living out of his car for the last two months of his final semester, Hartley maintained his grades._

 _After graduating, Hartley's first interview was with STAR Labs. He'd walked in, palms sweaty and nervous as hell, certain that every wrinkle in his clothes told the story of how he'd woken up extra early that morning to wash his clothes at the laundromat near campus or how he'd used the showers at the campus gym and nearly panicked in the middle of washing when he realized he didn't know where he'd be able to wash once his campus ID expired at the end of the summer. He didn't have an address on his resume, just a PO box and what if…_

 _Doctor Wells had discussed Hartley's senior projects – with a double major he'd been required to do two, of course – over a game of chess. Eventually Dr. Morgan had joined them, asking her own questions and offering terrible advice to both players, which only Wells accepted. Hartley ended up winning nearly all of the chess games and left after filling out all the forms necessary to make him a STAR Labs employee with his first official day of work starting the next morning._

 _He'd been positively giddy when calling Mercury Labs to let them know that he wouldn't be making his interview on Wednesday after all._

 _When Hartley closed the door to his new, empty, studio apartment two nerve-wracking weeks later (right after depositing his first paycheck so that he could actually afford the rent and security deposit), he ended up curled up on his sleeping bag, crying in relief at not having to spend the whole summer in his car after all. There was a kitchenette and a washer/dryer combo and spacious bathroom and it was all his. His first bed was a fairly nice, inflatable, queen-sized mattress that he picked up after his second paycheck, which he covered in cheap, but soft, cotton sheets and comforter with a nice pattern on it that was supposed to be made of shades of blue, though to Hartley it was just various grays instead. He also picked a small tv and antenna along with a used PS2 for his dvd player, determined to eventually find second hand copies of the games he'd enjoyed before he had let Earl take over his life._

 _Still, Hartley was keenly aware of just how alone he was. He tried to make friends with his co-workers, but he was too acerbic to manage for the most part, though Caitlin and Ronnie seemed to like him anyway. At any rate, they always treated him kindly. He remembered how easy making friends used to be, though, and it hurt that he'd lost that part of himself._

 _But at night Hartley imagined what it would be like to have his soul mate in his life. He convinced himself it was a harmless fantasy, imagining having a lover who would care for him and listen to what Hartley wanted and actually want his consent. It was harmless because it would never happen and sometimes the certainty that he wouldn't find his soul mate was as soothing as the fantasy that he would._

* * *

Saturday was probably the most fun Hartley had in a long time. Cisco showed up at his apartment around mid-morning and they basically spent the entire time on Hartley's couch, watching first the _Stargate_ movie and then episodes of _Stargate SG-1_. Cisco asked him to hold off on any complaints of differences between the show and the movie because the show would eventually introduce the multi-verse theory which could account for the majority of the plot holes between the two.

The show's science wasn't horrible – it was clear they at least tried to do their research compared to some of the other sci-fi shows Hartley had seen from the 90s and early 2000s – and Cisco's laughter was infectious. Despite Hartley's reservations and his initial intentions to keep things strictly friendly with plenty of distance between them at all times, Hartley ended up stretched across the couch, tucked against Cisco's chest, half-asleep, around nine that evening.

It was just… no one had ever mentioned that just sitting next to his soul mate would make him feel so warm and safe. He'd started off on the opposite side of the couch from Cisco that morning and ended up scooting to meet him in the middle by noon and by dinner they were cuddling. Sometimes Cisco would pet Hartley's hair and it was just…

Wonderful.

Cisco was wonderful.

When Cisco finally left, late that evening, Hartley sat back down on the couch that now smelled, faintly, of his soul mate and cried. Cisco was wonderful, but good things never last.

* * *

 _"She's your sister, Hartley. You'll have to look out for her, okay?"_

 _"What's her name?"_

 _"Jerrie."_

 _…_

 _"Our daughter is defective!"_

 _Hartley carefully picked up Jerrie, who was staring at the door where their parents were arguing. While Jerrie wasn't normal, it was pretty clear she understood more than their parents thought she did and knew perfectly well that being called 'defective' was not a good thing._

 _"Let's go watch some cartoons in the other room, sis." Hartley petted her hair a mumbled nonsense about how their parents would come around. They just didn't understand she was special yet and that it was okay for Jerrie to be special. She didn't need to know yet what lengths their parents would go through for 'normal' kids. Like dangerous surgeries to correct hearing problems._

 _The problem with Jerrie, however, wasn't that she was half-deaf like Hartley used to be. He was pretty sure she was some kind of autistic and that wasn't 'fixable'. It probably wasn't even really a bad thing._

 _The real problem, Hartley supposed as he turned on Scooby-Doo, was that their parents weren't nearly the good Christians they claimed to be._

 _…_

 _Hartley sees the car coming in the seconds before the crash._

 _He blames himself, later. If he hadn't insisted that Jerrie get in first, she'd be alive. He wonders if this is punishment for his sinful, gay thoughts._

 _For months he begs in his prayers for a chance to go back and do it over again. To let him get in the car first. To correct the mistake where the wrong Rathaway died._

* * *

It feels like a lie, not telling Cisco about his past. About what happened with his parents and with Earl and how damaged he feels in his head.

Hartley always thought he got along just fine. But he's starting to think he's been lying to himself for a long time. Maybe he needs to see a therapist after all.

He shies away from that thought.

His nightmares get worse, instead of better, despite the time he spends with Cisco and Hartley tries to tell himself that making up for lost sleep with caffeine isn't a horrible, horrible idea.

Then, one morning at work, Hartley collapses.

* * *

 _"I said 'no'," Hartley snapped, shoving Earl back a step._

 _He wasn't expecting the punch to the face._

 _"You're such a teasing slut."_

 _…._

 _"You know you want it."_

 _Hartley knew no such thing. But he did know that he didn't want to get hit again. He didn't want to live on the street, not after all the things his parents had told him about what it meant for a person to be homeless. So he said "yes" and then stared at the ceiling all night, not really paying attention to what his body did under Earl's 'care.'_

 _…._

 _Hartley's car can barely stay warm enough to keep him from freezing on the cold March nights. But its still better than being used by Earl._

 _He wishes he could have figured that out sooner._

* * *

After Caitlin checks Hartley over and confirms that he just collapsed from exhaustion and should be fine when he wakes, Cisco drags over a chair and holds Hartley's hand.

It takes a while before Hartley finally stirs and wakes, groggy and disoriented. "C'sco?" he slurs sleepily, looking over at his soul mate.

"Hey, sleepy head," Cisco teased, squeezing Hartley's hand lightly and offering him a smile. "How are you feeling?"

"Confused," Hartley replied, sitting up slowly, letting Cisco help him up. "What happened?"

"What happened is that you haven't been eating or sleeping nearly enough lately and you collapsed."

Hartley winced and looked away, shame written on his every line.

"I thought that you'd talk to me about what was eating you up inside once we got to know each other better. I… I should have seen how frayed you were, how bad this was getting. I should have helped you and I didn't. I want you to know you can trust me, Hartley, but I don't know how to prove it to you. I don't know how to show you that you confide in me… that whatever you're bottling up won't drive me away."

Not knowing what to say – or, rather, not knowing how to start – Hartley begins to cry. He clings to Cisco, curls into the younger man's embrace, and when he can finally breathe without sobbing again, Hartley asks Cisco to take him home. He sleeps the rest of the day away and when he wakes in the evening to the smell of Cisco cooking something that smells delicious in the other room, Hartley smiles.

That night, Hartley tells Cisco about his parents filling up his head with queer-phobic nonsense, his sister's death, and even Earl. All the while, Cisco holds him, gently brushes away his tears (crying some himself too, tears that Hartley hesitantly kisses away), and generally makes Hartley feel so very loved.

For the first time in what feels like forever, Hartley thinks that maybe sometimes good things do last.

A/N - From here on, I would like to think Hartley starts looking for a therapist he feels comfortable with and finally starts finding healthy ways of coping with his depression and his past. But therapy isn't always helpful - sometimes just finding a therapist who is actually helpful instead of harmful in their own way is too much of a barrier to surmount - so maybe he doesn't find a therapist but still finds those healthy coping mechanisms anyway. Either way, Cisco gives Hartley the support he needs and the two end up being very happy together.


End file.
